思念我的爱人 / Recalling My Beloved

当你的爱人去世时，世界变得一片黑暗。该做什么呢？给亲爱的朋友打电话或写信，告诉他们这个噩耗。他们都寄语吊唁，而他们对你爱侣的怀念却增添了你的悲痛；不过，他们对尹玮玲的部分回忆，有些已从我的视野中消失，有些已被我认为是理所当然的。

在寻找尹玮玲时，我首先看到的是她的脸，是她临终时那张没有痛苦的清秀可爱之脸。接着，我试图去回顾往日的那些宝贵时刻，我和她一起整整生活工作了五十年！但我的回忆却停留在最近几年；正是在这几年，她的记忆力逐渐衰退，而失忆抽空了她的大部分精力。我看见了一个曾经是如此热衷于日常写作的人——写作是我们共享喜乐的源泉，现在却在问：“接下来我们做什么？”

我从这些冷静的思维旁边挤过，去寻找那位早年充满着活力的姑娘。我读了那些因她的存在而使自己的生活受到触动，改变自己人生的人所写来的信。

然后，一个恩宠的世界开始展露。有几个人提及了她的姿态。女性都非常喜爱她的举止。没有人走路像她一样挺拔。这不仅仅指身姿而言，更是一种具有完全吸引力的道德姿态。一位多年的老友写道：“尽管尹玮玲离开了我们，我们仍能听到她的声音，那么精确、那么沉着、那么令人喜悦。这份礼物不会失落。”另一位写道：“她的活力，她的才华，她的奉献精神，在我的记忆中仍栩栩如生……此外，你俩的相依相存，方向一致，也不会让人遗忘。”

在这些信件中，最令人吃惊的是有大量女性发现尹玮玲是一位有能力的指导者。这些人，大多比尹玮玲小十几岁，甚至小二十几岁。她们所遇见的这位女性，是一个在其整个人生岁月中，有着非凡的恩宠、不卑不亢的人。

一位年轻的同事写道：“尹玮玲，你是一位喜乐的女性知识分子，与你相遇，对我是一份启示。你以某种方式让我提出问题，并去追踪那些问题。这种允许我提问的体验，在我的人生和职业生涯中都起了枢纽作用。”而另一个女青年说：“你是快乐、好客、忠信的楷模，你曾经是，并将继续成为我生命中的一份厚礼。”

这些话让我想起了当初我们在作公开演讲时的一些标志性的精彩时刻。在那期间，我们正好在写一本有关婚姻的书，我们在无意中观察到，许多妇女在结婚后，就“缩小成只是一个妻子”。但人人都能看到，尹玮玲不是任何人的“妻子”。

我现在记起了我们所提供的有关性方面知识的所有的研习会。当尹玮玲沉着地大声讲述男女性兴奋的类似点与不同点，详细地描述这种身体上的真实情况时，与会者以惊讶的姿态坐在那里，眼睛一眨也不眨。她会给出这样一个实例，无论男女，在经历了久病之后首次注意到了另一个人有着完全的吸引力，就会产生性兴奋。这人因长时间后的精力重返而惊讶不已，他（她）会大声说出，“感谢祢，天主！”

我对她的话产生怀疑的唯一时刻，是出现在我们建立友谊的早期；当时，她随口提及她已决定独身，因到那时为止，她还没有发现有任何人，是她渴望与其共度终生的人。我在心里思量着她的话，然后喃喃自语说：“走着瞧吧！”

在我们刚开始一起合作工作时，我们与罗耀拉大学牧职研究所的其他同事和学生一起商讨我们正在尝试的某些有关成人交流的风格问题。当会议即将结束时，一位女士走进了房间。她说，她曾想参加会议，但是她一直呆在门外，因她对自己是否会受到欢迎缺乏自信。尹玮玲转向她，以极大的热情回答她说：“走过那道门！”每个人都被她回答时的力度吓了一跳。尹玮玲所说的，是几个世纪以来，妇女站在其外面的所有的门，她们以为这些门都对自己关闭着。

所有的这些回忆，点亮了我悲痛的心。我正在复原我以为已失去的那一位。

Recalling My Beloved

By Jim Whitehead

When your lover dies, the world goes dark. What to do? Call or write dear friends with the sad news. They respond, remembering your partner in ways that increases the pain, but then they recall parts of Evelyn that I had lost sight of or had taken for granted.

Seeking out Evelyn I first see her face, pain-free and lovely in death. Then I try to look past that precious moment to the person I lived with, worked with for fifty years. But I am stopped by the last few years when her memory loss left her drained of much of her vitality. I see a person, once so engaged in the daily writing that was a source of shared joy, now asking “what do we do next?” 

I push past these sober thoughts, searching for the girl in those earlier decades of full vigor. And I read the letters from those whose lives had been touched, altered by her presence to them. 

Then a world of grace opens up. Several mentioned her posture. Women loved how she carried herself. No one else walked that upright. And this was more than physical; there was a moral posture that was wholly attractive. A long-time friend wrote, “We can still hear Evelyn’s voice from days gone by, so precise, so composed, so joyous. That gift will not be lost.”  Another wrote, “my memory is of her vivaciousness, brilliance and commitment…and the two of you so bonded and looking in the same direction.”

The biggest surprise in these letters was the number of women who found Evelyn a powerful mentor. These individuals were often ten or even twenty years younger than Evelyn. They had met a woman who was unapologically herself moving through her days with exceptional grace. 

A junior colleague wrote, “Meeting you, Evelyn, a joyful female intellectual, was a revelation to me. You somehow gave me permission to have questions and to pursue those questions. That experience of permission was pivotal in my life and career.”  Yet another younger woman: “Delight, hospitality, faithfulness—your modeling of these was and continues to be a profound gift in my life.”

These remarks awakened signature moments in our years of public speaking. While writing together a book on marriage we came across the observation of how many women marry then “diminish into a wife.” Everyone could see that Evelyn was nobody’s “wife.”

Now I remember all the workshops we offered on sexuality. Participants sat in wonder as Evelyn with utter composure spoke of the similarity and difference of sexual arousal in men and women, describing in detail such bodily realities without blinking an eye. And she would give the example of an individual, whether male or female, after a long illness, noticing for the first time another person as utterly attractive and being sexually aroused. Surprised by this return of vigor after a long time, the person might utter, “thank you, God!”

My only moment of doubt arose early in our relationship when she casually mentioned that she had decided not to marry, so far finding no one she ambitioned to spend her life with. I pondered the remark in my heart, then muttered to myself, “we will see.”

Early in our shared career we were discussing with other faculty and students at the Institute for Pastoral Studies at Loyola some question about the style of adult exchange we were attempting. As the meeting came to a close, a woman entered the room, remarking that she had wanted to join the meeting but had remained outside the door, unsure if she was welcome. Evelyn turned to her and responded with great energy, “go through the door!” Everyone was startled at the forcefulness of her response. Evelyn was speaking of all the doors that women for centuries had stood outside of, assuming they were locked.

All these memories light up my grieving heart. I am recovering the one whom I thought was lost.